How to Say No (for People Pleasers)

​Would you call yourself a people pleaser? People pleasers often have a hard time saying no because, deep down, they fear rejection, conflict, or disappointing others. Often, if they do say no, they are wracked with guilt or shame.

For many, people pleasing is a coping strategy that evolves as a way to stay safe, loved, or accepted—often in response to environments where approval felt conditional. Saying yes became a way to avoid guilt, shame, rejection, punishment, or disconnection. Over time, this pattern can become ingrained and habitual, making it hard for people to recognize their own needs or feel deserving of setting limits.

Learning to say no when you want to is essential for emotional and physical well-being. It allows people to protect their energy, establish and maintain healthy relationships, and make choices aligned with their values instead of living by others’ expectations. Establishing healthy boundaries isn’t selfish—boundaries are self-respect in action and help ensure that when you do say yes, it’s genuine, sustainable, and freely chosen.

​How to politely turn down a request

When people ask you for money, your time, your help, it can be difficult for people pleasers to say no. Very often they find themselves begrudgingly agreeing to the request even though this is the opposite of what they want to do! 

Here are some examples of what you can say when you'd like to turn down a request: 

• "Not right now." 
• "I can't right now." 
• "No, I'm sorry." 
• "I'm afraid I can't."
• "I won't be able to, but thanks for asking."
• "I'll have to pass this time." 
• "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm unable to help this time." 
• "I'd love to, but I can't.
• "I can't commit to that, but maybe we can do it another way?" 
• "I'm unable to help with that right now, but have you tried asking [someone else]?" ​
• "I don't think I'm the best person to take this on."
• "I appreciate the opportunity, but it's not the right fit for me." 

​How to politely turn down an invitation

:These sample scripts are clear and respectful, which helps prevent miscommunication while still prioritizing your own needs. Declining an invitation in such a way is not rude or selfish. 

For a general social invitation:

• "Thanks so much for the invite! Unfortunately, I won't be able to make it".
• "I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't commit to that right now".

​For a last-minute plan:

• "That sounds fun, but I'm going to have to sit this one out".
• "I'll have to pass this time. Thanks for asking, though!".

For when you're simply tired or need a night in:

• "Thanks for the invite, but I'm staying home tonight to recharge".
• "Sounds great, but I'm really tired and need some quiet time. I hope you all have a blast".

When you genuinely want to connect but can't make the event, offering an alternative is a thoughtful way to show you value the relationship.

For friends and family:

• "I appreciate you including me, but I won't be able to make it to the party. Can we catch up for coffee next week instead?".
• "I struggle with large groups but would love to set a date to connect with you another time." 
• "Family dinner is always a great time, but we'll have to miss it this month. We'd love to see you all soon!".

For casual work events:

• "That sounds like a great way to decompress! I have a family commitment this time, but I'd love to join the next one".
• "I'm sorry to miss the team drinks. I'm already booked that evening, but I'd love to hear all about it".
• "I'm sorry but I can't make it." 

If someone pressures you for an explanation, it is important to remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation for your "no"–––after all, no is a complete sentence! You can always respond with:

• "I'd prefer not to disclose." 
• "I can't say." 
• "That's my private business." 
• "That's private information." 
• "I have another activity/commitment to attend to." 

If you receive pushback for your "no", stand your ground gently but firmly. Repeating your "no" shows that you respect your own boundaries.

• "My answer remains no, but I appreciate your understanding".
• "I've already let you know my decision, and I won't be able to make it".
• "I know you're excited, but I can't make it".

Tips for practicing these scripts:

• Pause before you respond. Instead of reflexively saying "yes," give yourself time to think. A simple phrase like, "Let me check my calendar and get back to you" buys you time and prevents a knee-jerk reaction.
• Keep it short and avoid over-explaining. Long explanations can invite debate or give the other person leverage to argue. A simple, honest reason is enough.
• Use "I" statements. Focusing on your own needs ("I can't commit right now") rather than making up excuses helps reinforce that your decision is about you, not them.
• Reframe your mindset. Remind yourself that saying "no" to things that drain you is actually saying "yes" to your own well-being and to the people and commitments that truly matter.

​Issues with people pleasing are extremely common in the population I support. Learning to establish healthy boundaries is often a key aspect in health problems like burnout, chronic fatigue, chronic sleep issues, mental health problems, chronic pain and tension, and so much more. 

If you'd like support for your people pleasing or any related health problem, please take a moment to learn more about working with me or book an appointment.